it

It always starts, with something you least expect. You never thought of it any other way, just how it was. You never wondered what if?, it was just how it was, and that was how you liked it. Then you started to feel alone, and it was nice. It made you feel better, for just that once. You liked it. You didn't like 'it' by itself so much, just how 'it' made you feel. It was a warm fuzzy feeling, that sort of feeling that when you walk out the door, you have the ever slightest sway to your hips, from side to side they go with confidence. It was nice. And although you thought it was a one off, it happened again, and when it happened, it barely fazed you, it was nothing, just some fun. And for that one instance you felt okay, because it made you feel that way. Although it was starting to become different to what it once was, it still didn't mean much to you, so you thought it wouldn't mean much to anyone else, so you kept it to yourself. It was one of those things, that you didn't need to look at or be reminded of to make you feel better, it did that in that one moment when it happened, and apart from that time it was nothing to you. Once again you forgot about it and went on with the other things in your life. It wasn't until that next time, that it happened again. So out of the blue, like all the other times, but even more so because it had not being a thought it your mind. You were content with how it was and needed nothing more from it. But after this third time, it started to ever so slightly tickle you with the idea of it. You thought about it for a bit, but it was really just a harmless bit of fun, nothing more. At first you ignored its attempts to get your attention and brushed them aside, but it slowly began to hook you. Like before, you liked the feeling it gave you, but as time went on that feeling became stronger. It wasn't what it used to be before, but was turning into something else, and that question you had never asked yourself 'what if' had found a little crack in your mind and stuck itself there. It was going well, what ever this new thing was, it gave you that warm fuzzy feeling, but it now stayed with you, even after the connection had being broken. It all seemed good how it was going, and what it was becoming, until you maybe took it to far, and began to rely on its regularity to make you happy. You tried to ignore it, but it ate at you with each second feeling like hours without. This wasn't right. It had never being like this, and you never thought that it would. Well at least you didn't want it to, but now that the idea was inside your head, you couldn't shake it. It had being what felt like weeks that you hadn't experienced that feeling it brought, but you had thought to yourself, it was nothing, although it was there, it's absence would not affect you that much. Until the day you were told someone else got to experience it. Even though you know it wasn't the same, and it had to happen for the sake of things and had no meaning to it, it felt like you had being stabbed in the heart. You didn't know why, and you still don't. All you know is you wished it had never happened, because in the end, you are really better off without it.